[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
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Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]