My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
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*pronounces injury like lingerie*
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Oh. My. God.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.