My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
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Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence