i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
You Might Also Like
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.