How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
You Might Also Like
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.