Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
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Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
How about daylight saves us for once
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline