There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
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My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
jesus, what did this guy do
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash