Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
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Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.