me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
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According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol