I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
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My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.