Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
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Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok