SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
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My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.