I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
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I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*