i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
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Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior