Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
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[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
what
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*