it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
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If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
the things my dad sends my mom 馃槶馃槀
No. He鈥檚 not coming out to play
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we鈥檙e texting
Him: I heard it
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…馃槀馃ぃ馃槶馃拃馃拃
Today鈥檚 mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they鈥檙e able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
I鈥檓 no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
no one who鈥檚 ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
I鈥檓 as clever as the person who named bagpipes