Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
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I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”