[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
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BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Basketball
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.