[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
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Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.