[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Cat.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.