Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
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Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult