Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
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Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
My dream job is getting paid to dream
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
wtf is an acronym
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.