A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
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Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Please do it!
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD