I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
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“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
necessity is the mother of invention
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
me opening up to someone
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.