I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
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Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
No. He’s not coming out to play