Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
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*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat