Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
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Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
#MeanwhileinCanada
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
when someone compliments me
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.