Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
You Might Also Like
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls