“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
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[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
My neck my back my allergy attack
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
✌️
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear