Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
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“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
good let them take over I have had enough
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!