All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
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Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Ferrari squats
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.