I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
You Might Also Like
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
love it when they get my name right
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Me trying to “trust the process”
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again