I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
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“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?