Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
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My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
This anagram machine is out of order.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.