Who’s drunk
*raises leg
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the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Customize Your Wedding.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
no such thing as a dumb question
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.