Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
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[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.