Perfect
You Might Also Like
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
2022: I can fix it
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Real House Wines.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you