haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
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Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck