we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
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I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Kids, do not try this at home!
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
liiiiiiiiike
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.