Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
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doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…