Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
You Might Also Like
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Phonetics
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.