*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
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*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
the prophecies have been fulfilled