Pretty certain I can more drunk
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Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
me irl
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Awwwww shit.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine