[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
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So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster