Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
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She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Sharon, call the vet
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
I have a type: disappointing
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami