They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
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The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.