“I FIXED IT!”
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Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.