Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
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Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
plant them where lol
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir