[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
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Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
How is it still this week?