If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
You Might Also Like
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Geez man, take it easy.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Strangers have the best candy.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
When you’ve simply given up.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle